


Merle's Fantasy Voicemails

by BlackWiresOnHerHead



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, spoilers for Day of Story and Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 18:50:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11880630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackWiresOnHerHead/pseuds/BlackWiresOnHerHead
Summary: “I just want to say, canon, I would imagine Taako and Magnus actually try to call Merle all the time, but like he forgot to turn his Stone of Farspeech off of silence or whatever.”A collection of messages left on Merle’s Stone of Farspeech.





	Merle's Fantasy Voicemails

Hey Merle, you there? Just wanted to check in, guess I caught you at a bad time. Must be busy kidnapping young children from their homes to take them on weeklong adventures. That’s the only way you get business, right? Because there’s no way you’d convince _that_ many parents to entrust you with their children without the aid of my rustic hospitality. Like don’t get me wrong—Extreme Teen Adventures is a cool idea, super cool. But what happens if there’s an accident and one of the kids gets hurt? WHO WILL BE THERE TO HEAL THEM?

\--

Merle, old friend, can you hear me? Oh, I suppose you’re probably busy today. That’s all right, I just wanted to wish Mavis a happy birthday. Some of the Bureau members and I wanted to send you her gifts, but now that I think about it you’re probably out celebrating, you might not even be home right now. _Hey Avi, maybe we shouldn’t—oh my, there it goes. Nevermind dear, it’ll be fine… probably._ Well. Hopefully you get this message before the stuff just falls in front of your house. Uh, please do not be alarmed. I’ll talk to you again soon. I think it’s about time we get together for another spa day.

\--

Hey there, Merle. It looks like Lup and I have to take care of a group of necromancers out near your place, and we were thinking it’d be fun to pop in and say hello once we get it all wrapped up. Not sure uh, how busy you are. I know you’re with the kids a lot nowadays, teachin’ everyone how to adventure and such, and we don’t wanna intrude or spook ‘em or anything. 

_Actually, showing up in the whole reaper get-up to scare the shit out of all your adventurers-in-training sounds pretty hilarious._

… Okay, I’m not gonna lie, Lup’s idea does actually sound pretty fuckin’ hysterical, and we are almost definitely gonna be doing that in the near future. But goofin’ on a buncha kids isn’t the main reason we wanna stop by—we just miss ya, bud, that’s all. Get back to us, huh?

\--

Hey asshole, answer your FUCKING Stone. Nobody’s been able to talk to you in like, _weeks._ Who do you think you are? You find out ONE god is basically at your beck and call whenever you feel like hitting him up and suddenly you think you’re too good for us mortals now? Is that it? Get _real_ , I’m cooler than any deity in existence—well except maybe the Raven Queen, Krav says she’s pretty chill, I haven’t really met her yet. But for real, Merle, what the fuck? You have a Stone of Farspeech, fuckin’ _use it_.

\--

Uh, hey there Merle. It’s Killian. Oh man, I hope this is the right frequency. Uh, long time no see! I heard you’ve been good, definitely say hi to the kids for me. I uh, was actually gonna ask you about something. So Carey and I think we’ve figured out a date for the ceremony, we found a really great venue too, but uh… we still need an officiant. And of course you were the first person we thought of. If you’re willing to do it, of course. It would really mean the world to us if you were part of the ceremony. Uh, let us know! We’ll be in touch.

\--

Wow, Merle not picking up his Stone _again_. Is it because of the arm? Are we still doing this, with the whole chopping off the arm thing? I thought by now you would’ve... _GROWN_ out of this. HA HA HA HA, ya get it? Because of the whole—the soulwood arm thing? You’re not laughing, are you. I can’t believe you’re capable of this level of pettiness. You know what? I was gonna tell you about this really hilarious pug we’ve got at the Hammer and Tails (A Dog’s School) who I thought would make a really great match for Mookie, but no. You’re not talking to me, so I’m not talking to you, either. Even if the pug in question is literally about to fail out of the service dog program because it keeps doing hilarious, useless shit. You’re not getting _any_ of those stories.

\--

Hello, sir! I heard you’re not answering your Stone of Farspeech for anyone, so I guess this means you’re finally treating me like you’d treat anyone else, instead of a little boy you like to bully! I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I’m currently a student at the Academy of Arcane Sciences—I’m even on the soccer team! Well, yesterday one of my teammates was saying that she’s interested in studying clerical magic, and I said that I knew one of the best, most accomplished clerics ever. I wanted to see if you could answer some of her questions about healing magic, when you have the time. If your Extreme Teen Adventures ever bring you around to our campus, she sure would be excited to meet you.

\--

You SENILE OLD DWARF. I take the time out of my extraordinarily packed, busy schedule—time I could be spending with my adoring fans, or with my totally rad magical students, or going out into the world doing all the good ol’ PR stuff and enhancing my already impeccable public image—to try to talk to you and you don’t even have the DECENCY to answer. I’m getting so sick of this, next time I’m near your house I’m just gonna break in and magically switch your Stone of Farspeech to the “way too fucking loud” setting _permanently_. See how you like _that_.

\--

Merle. So. A little birdy told me that our boy Mookie’s birthday is coming up. And whatever birthday celebration shindig you might be planning, I am humbly offering my entertainment services. The other reapers here have been showing me some pretty sick new tricks, and I’ve been working on some sweet-ass colors in my evocation spells. I’m talking some truly _spectacular_ fire, my man. The little dude will LOVE it, I guarantee. The Raven Queen already gave Barry, Kravitz, and me the day off duty, she is _literally_ the best undead boss EVER.

\--

Hey, I heard you’re moving house soon! Bottlenose Cove, huh? It sounds like a pretty sweet deal, dude, I’m really happy for you. Congratulations! And listen, I know you’re getting like, a fancy mansion and shit, and Lord Artemis Silver-whatever is probably furnishing it all himself, but as a housewarming present… I’ve got a set of dining room furniture for you, made by yours truly. And also, like, ten or twelve wooden ducks to sprinkle into the decorum as well. Like honestly, it doesn’t even matter what kind of look you’re going for, the ducks fit in no matter what. Oh and also, just as a fair warning: if you don’t pick up your Stone when I show up to do this, I’m just smashing your door down and moving it all in myself. 

\--

HEY there, little gerblin! I finally got one of these fancy Stones of Farspeechin’ that everyone’s so crazy ‘bout these days. Now I don’t hafta drive past you on the side of the road in the middle a nowhere to talk to ya! Ain’t life amazin’? I gotta go now and finish up some important transactions ‘n such here in Refuge, but I thought I’d try this out ‘n say hi. Talk to ye again soon, little gerblin!

\--

I heard you call yourself _EARL MERLE_ now, and I just need you to know what a motherfucking DINGUS I think you are. Like I _get_ wanting to have a title as cool as “Taako from TV” but god, that was just a complete and utter failure, and I just wanted to make one hundred percent sure you were aware of your terrible choices.

\--

Merle! It’s a shame I couldn’t catch ya. I uh, heard you recently moved out to Bottlenose Cove! I wanted to see if I could get your new address, I’ve got some more postcards to send over your way. Got some belated birthday presents for Mavis and Mookie, too! Eh, don’t worry about it too much, I’ll get your new address from Magnus and Taako later. Hope you’re well! 

\--

Hello? Hello, Merle? It’s—um—it’s me. Hecuba. I hope you don’t mind, I asked Mavis for your frequency, and I guess it might be better if you didn’t answer in case this whole thing is weird, but I’m… getting married again. In a, uh, about a month and um… I wanted to invite you. I know we really don’t have the best relationship, but if you’re open to the idea I was hoping that we could maybe change… that. You’ve been trying so hard with the kids, and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate it, you really do mean the world to them and uh… it feels wrong to stay on such bad terms. Mavis and Mookie would really love for you to be there on the big day, and… I would too, believe it or not. I sent the invitation in the mail today—and if you feel weird about this, please feel no obligation to accept it, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I—I just figured—you’ve been putting in a lot of effort on your part, and it’s about time I start doing the same. Uh… yeah, that’s… that’s what I wanted to say. Hope to hear from you. Bye, Merle.

\--

Okay, so it seems pretty clear at this point that you’re literally never EVER going to check the messages on your Stone. So I’m going to take this moment to tell you… because I think you should know… _crrrrrreeeeerrrecchchhhh_ in the _crrrhehchhch_ and then _cccrrrrrrchhhchhch_. Now I know what you’re thinking: “That was just Taako making fake static noises with his mouth.” But whaddaya know, there’s _another_ super secret mission that was eaten by the voidfish that you’ll never know about if you don’t PICK. UP. YOUR. STONE.

**Author's Note:**

> I always think Merle needs more love, and that goof from Travis was too good an opportunity to pass up. 
> 
> Send me a “hail and well met” over on [tumblr](http://blackwiresgrowonherhead.tumblr.com/) so we can sob uncontrollably about the Balance Arc together.


End file.
